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What if we told you that ripping a aperture in a football field...was the one affair that could sew calm a disconnected nation?

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Erik Harlow, ‎Field Manager - ‎Indiana Convention Center & Lucas Oil Stadium: Best amateur are appealing normal. The assignment gets done. I had a sandwich for cafeteria and like best canicule didn’t apprehend much. Best of the time I advance you do the same. Best bodies anticipate accommodation administration is simple work.

It is. [pauses] Until it isn’t.

Jim Delany, Big Ten Commissioner: I absolutely didn’t see what happened at first. Best of the time aback I watch a game, I’m absorption on the student-athlete, not the turf. That’s the focus at the Big Ten: On the development and advance of the student-athlete. Our acquirement sports accord to the university, not the added way around.

Suite server at Lucas Oil Stadium: Commissioner Delany requested the Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill because the Dom he brought to the apartment was corked.

Jim Delany: It’s our mission, and we booty it seriously.

Server: We alone had some Cook’s. He was pissed—but he still drank it, lol.

Jim Delany: But surprised? Oh sure.

Paul Chryst, Wisconsin arch football coach: It didn’t abruptness me. Our breach is mostly based on plowing.

Head adjudicator Stan Johnson: I still don’t apperceive what did it. It’s like the acreage saw all that Wisconsin advancing and aloof gave up.

Erik Harlow: I knew it was bad. Sometimes you apprehend it and aloof know. It’s a sixth faculty you get in accommodation work.

Paul Chryst: It’s a farmer’s offense, we like to say. One channel at a time.

Erik Harlow: You don’t ask for it. You either accept it or you don’t. And I knew this was bad afore I anytime saw it.

Jim Delany: It was important, and we acted quickly. I put my best man on it.

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: This big baldheaded guy came runnin’ out in the artery and told me to go buy “the better fuckin’ rake I could acquisition for bristles bucks.”

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: Joke’s on him. I blanket one off a burghal barter anchored alfresco and kept the bristles bucks.

Urban Meyer: 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01110100 00101110 00100000 01001111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110011 01110101 01101100 01110100 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000

Head adjudicator Stan Johnson: I went over told the coaches, hey, this isn’t safe, we accept to append comedy until we get it fixed. We had 80,000 bodies waiting. Millions at home. All these bodies on amusing media, and we’re cat-and-mouse on addition to fix a breach in the turf.

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Joel Klatt: It was a alarming bearings and I anticipate they did the appropriate thing. I aloof anticipate they didn’t apprehend how alarming situations brand added alarming situations. The accomplished abode becomes a burden cooker. Not anybody handles that absolute well. Some worse than others.

GUS JOHNSON FROM A PERCH ON THE CEILING HE IS CLINGING TO WITH HIS FINGERS AND TOES: OH MY GOD—-

Joel Klatt: It can get dangerous

GUS JOHNSON: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE RIP!!!!!

Joel Klatt: It took bristles EMTs and a crowbar to get him down.

GUS JOHNSON: AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—- [/falls off chair]

Chuck Klosterman: There’s article actual Midwestern about disturbing a aperture in a football acreage with your own heft. It’s bizarre almost, like a affectionate of force of uncoolness. Bodies from the Midwest get what I’m talking about. Like the activity that your uncoolness will bore into the apple itself and ballast you there. It’s the football agnate of a Hold Steady almanac in its affected gravity. It is the Zen Arcade of football plays. It is an angry, barbarous cannonball adjoin the weight of your own existence. Alone the adolescent can comedy it like that. For the blow of us, it’s a anamnesis we pay to watch. Or acclimated to, afore the end of the monoculture.

Interviewer [off camera] : What does that mean?

Chuck Klosterman: gotta go [/throws bottomward smoke bomb]

Paul Chryst: I told our boys to relax, alcohol a gallon of milk each, and anticipate of one affair they were beholden for in that moment. That affair was Aaron Rodgers. You already knew that.

Erik Harlow: I had to assignment fast. Elastic pellets are key. You artlessly can’t put abundant elastic pellets into a Acreage Accommodation gash.

Interviewer [off camera]: Why is that?

Erik Harlow: [pauses angrily] Alike if I told you, you’d never absolutely understand, would you?

Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin Athletic Director: I anticipation to myself, Barry, who’s a acceptable guy to go out there and get this done?

Also Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin Athletic Director, Acclamation Barry Alvarez: I anticipation I could do a appealing acceptable job of acclimation it up, now that you’re asking.

Jim Delany: Barry asked me which way to get bottomward to the field. I told him how to get to the parking lot. He couldn’t get aback in. I’ve begin that sometimes administration is aberration in the name of the greater good.

Barry Alvarez: They had hot dogs out there! It was great.

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Also Barry Alvarez: Damn appropriate it was. Truly a championship evening.

Joel Klatt: Killing time like that in a advertisement bearings is hard. You appetite to reflect the applesauce of the situation, but additionally accede how arresting it is for the viewer. It’s a accomplished band to walk, for sure. But I anticipate we did it.

[clip of Gus Johnson address a FieldCam attempt of the accommodation actuality repaired]

Gus Johnson: GAAAAHHHHHHHH! THE CHASM HAS BECOME A PHANTASM! THE RIP IS NOW THE SHIP DRIVING THIS BIG TEN GAME TO THE BRINK! AND THE CAPTAIN WENT OVERBOARD SIX MINUTES AGO! SAVE TEN PERCENT ON YOUR CAR INSURANCE WITH GEICO! MY GOD! ABANDON GOD! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Fox Producer Mitch Hastings: It wasn’t ideal but we did what we could.

Erik Harlow: It got acrimonious out there. I was alive hard. Sweat all over the place. Addition in the army yelled “TURF MAN, RETIRE BITCH.” I don’t apperceive what that means.

Jacob Ellis, the man who screamed “TURF MAN, RETIRE BITCH” at Erik Harlow: I’m from Chicago and was abashed at how bargain the beer was in Indianapolis. Like bits this abode charge be poor as shit! But if they’re pourin’ em for that, I’m drinkin’ em for that

Erik Harlow: I did my job and abandoned the pressure. It’s what we do.

Jacob Ellis: I dunno, I assumption Indianapolis is aloof bankrupt bankrupt like that. Added beer for me, tho.

Urban Meyer: 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110011 01101000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101111 01101111 01110100 01100010 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01110100 01101111 01100011 01101111 01101100 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100001 01110000 01101001 01100100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01101111 01110011 01110011 01101001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00101110 00100000 01000100 01100101 01101100 01100001 01111001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01111001 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101100 01101111 01110111 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110100 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101110 01101010 01110101 01110010 01111001 00101110 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110000 01101001 01111010 01111010 01100001 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100110 01100101 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110110 01101111 01101001 01100100 01100101 01100100 00101110 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01000001 01001100 01010111 01000001 01011001 01010011 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01000010 01000101 00100000 01000001 01010110 01001111 01001001 01000100 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000

Jim Delany: He was alive hard, but I don’t anticipate the accommodation guy had abundant added in him. We were about out of options. He was alive hard, but the rip aloof kept accepting bigger.

Erik Harlow: I had the bearings beneath control, and was about accomplished when-

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: They didn’t alike ask me for ID, I aloof absolved assimilate the acreage with a rake.

Green Rake: IT WAS OUR TIME.

Barry Alvarez: The guy with the blooming rake reminded me a lot of myself.

Also Barry Alvarez, acclamation Barry Alvarez: Absolutely, Barry. Spitting image.

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: Like, can I aloof get into annihilation if I airing about with a rake and attending like I apperceive what I’m doing?

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Jim Delany: Problem analytic is allotment of the job. And I’m animated that sometimes I can advice with that activity a little.

Erik Harlow: I was done and all of a abrupt this dude with a blooming rake comes and starts raking. Aloof throwing little elastic pellets in my face like buckshot.

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: I didn’t apperceive what I was accomplishing but I was accomplishing it absolute hard. No amount the job I consistently go gorilla.

Head adjudicator Stan Johnson: He was talking to himself about “raking the bits out of this shit”. I don’t absolutely apperceive why he was there, but I affected addition did.

Joel Klatt: That’s affectionate of area this peaks, to be honest. Blooming Rake Guy is the acme the moment needed. The atom this aggregation bare to about-face it around, to put it in football terms.

Erik Harlow: I don’t apperceive who he was, he didn’t do anything, and I’d rather be bent asleep than alive with a abominable rake.

Gus Johnson: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [attacks camera like a frilled lizard]

Random Guy with a Blooming Rake: [beats chest like a gorilla] Like that. All day.

Erik Harlow: And that...that was a abominable rake.

Urban Meyer: 01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01100001 01100011 01110100 01110101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00111111

Paul Chryst: We resumed action, scored, and lost. But I was appreciative of the action in my boys. On the alike aback we gave them anniversary a carton of cigarettes and let them smoke on the plane. Unlike some states, we in Dairyland still apperceive what it agency to be free.

FAA spokesperson: You may smoke on a clandestine plane. That is permitted, depending on the plane’s owner.

Gus Johnson: [camera wiggles, flops, flips over as agreeable increases]

FAA spokesperson: Unfortunately this was a bartering flight. Substantial fines will follow.

Joel Klatt: Erik Harlow is a hero. For thirteen minutes, he healed a allotment of acreage accommodation and brought it together. There needs to be added of that in America, if you ask me.

Erik Harlow: I was aloof accomplishing my job. It’s all I can do. Aback you see the man with the brazier active for the exit, aloof accord him a little applause. He’ll acknowledge it, alike if he doesn’t able a smile.

Jim Delany: It’s aloof what the Big Ten does. It brings things together, alike in a bad situation. We’re actuality for champions.

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Jacob Ellis, the man who screamed “TURF MAN, RETIRE BITCH” at Erik Harlow: lol again why was he at Lucas Oil Stadium watching two teams that didn’t accomplish the playoff bitch

Gus Johnson: [with camera upside bottomward and the lens blood-soaked with blood, flees through Gus Johnson-shaped aperture in flat wall] —-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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